lost and messed up

all i can write right now is about my sadness, which is locked inside my chest and won't come out
all i can think about right now is his face and his smile, and my stupidity for thinking about him this way.
it hurts my heart that he has someone else, and it hurts me so deep that he doesn't spend time thinking of me
and I finally had the guts to hear the words to lose hope, and there's no hope now, my the desire is still there, which really sucks, and now i imagine an impossible miracle, while i have no strength put this feeling away.
my heart is really broken right now, but i'm in peace.
i hate being the aways-sad one, but i really wish things could work out well... i was so fine and used to being cold. then i met him and he had my heart without asking or knowing. and these things make me wonder what is wrong with me... and  I am a super mess right now, because i can't understand my feelings, and it unchained something kinda big because, i can't understand my feelings at all, not only the ones about him... i feel lost, and messed up, suddenly i'm just holding what is already on, because i need it, outside i'm ok but in fact, i'm totally unstable, uncapable of taking decisions and i have no fucking idea of what to do.
many issues come to my mind, my things i need to solve, and a huge need of change that is driving me crazy among all these feelings
i don't even know what to say, i don't even know what exactly i'm feeling, i'm afraid of doing something stupid, as i already have.
although i'm proud of myself, i'm sad, although i'm happy [and i am really happy] i'm sad.
i wanna keep writing and writing but i'm pretty sure no one is gonna read it, and i don't know what else to say, only that i really feel like a mess, a big mess
i wanna run, run, run....
and yes,

I WANNA SHOUT.